No, I’m not pregnant. But, thanks for asking(?)

I sat up from a rather grueling set of reverse planks coupled with this weird slider pike/push-up move when a women—whom I’ve worked out next to for probably the last five months—came bolting over to me like she was competing in the speed-walking trials for the Summer Olympics.

Before the words could even come out of her mouth, I knew where we were going with the conversation.

“And, how is BABY enjoying the workout?!” she squealed as she gently rubbed my sweat-laden stomach.


Here’s the thing, folks: I’m not pregnant.

I get it, I look pregnant. And, if we’re being honest with each other, I look VERY pregnant.

Truth be told, however, my most recent baby was born 15 months ago. With each of my two pregnancies, I gained around 70 pounds each time.

Let me ask you a serious question: Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose 70 pounds – TWICE?

Answer: It’s hard. Really hard.

Needless to say, I’ve got an amazing case of diastasis recti coupled with a lot of…ummmmmmm…“skin issues.”

Pants with buttons are no longer an option in my world. Elastic only. Button-down tops? Put ‘em in the garbage. And, don’t get me started on belts, underwear, dresses or bathing suits.

I’ve accepted this as my reality and am working my tail off to make myself look semi-normal again. I have two–YES TWO–gym memberships that I use four (sometimes five) times a week. I also have a new trainer who is helping me to figure out where in the hell my abs went. It’s a journey. My abs are lost in there somewhere.

Regardless, I’ve established a new level of body confidence. [As it turns out, I’m strong and could probably kick your ass. (Just saying.)]

However, no amount of confidence can help me shake all the insecurities that come flooding back to my psyche when people make such thoughtless comment so regularly. I’m a pretty confident person, so I’m always surprised how much these comments really knock me on my ass. For like the whole day. It sucks.


BTW: WHO SAYS THAT?!

Back to the story at hand…who says that?! AMIRITE? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND??

Well, I’m here to share with you those who do (and 99.9% of them are women):

  • Cashier #1 at Harris Teeter: “Is this your first?”
  • Cashier #2 at Harris Teeter: “Lots of food for a growing mama! You’re eating for two!!”
  • Cashier #3 at Harris Teeter: “And, oh look, you’ve got another one on the way!”
  • Cashier #4 at Harris Teeter: “Honey, you’re pregnant. Let us help you out to the car with those groceries.”
  • Cashier #5 at Harris Teeter: “When are you due? Must be soon!”
  • Salesperson at Mazda Dealership: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, you are so cute. When are you due?”
  • Salesperson at Honda Dealership: “Two kids and one on the way?! This vehicle is perfect for you!”
  • Grandma at the Playground: “You really get around great for expecting!”
  • Employee at the Post Office: “Please, you can go in front of me. My feet always hurt when I was with child.”
  • Lady on Airplane: “Boy or girl?”
  • Lady at the Gym: “I wish I could lift like that when I was pregnant.”
  • Lady on Treadmill: “When’s your due date? It’s great that you’re still working out!”

This was just a smattering of the comments I’ve received in the last 30 days. I average one comment every four days. It’s mortifying. Especially when my husband, friends or children are with me.

That said, without further ado…


Thinking of Congratulating a Woman on Her Pregnancy? Some Tips. 

  1. You’re going to congratulate me because you’re desperate for your children to procreate, thus turning you into Grandma of the Year, and you just can’t stop talking about babies babies babies babies babies babies babies babies? SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
  1. You’re totally sure I’m pregnant. HOLD YOUR TONGUE.
  1. You don’t care what people think of you, so you’re asking anyway? ZIP YOUR LIPS.
  1. You just want to be friendly? PUT A SOCK IN IT.
  1. You’re a senior citizen, so if you’re wrong, the world should cut you some slack anyway? SAY NOTHING.
  1. Your daughter is pregnant and we look alike? ZIP IT.
  1. You swear you just saw me rub my belly in a maternal way? SHHHHHHHHH. BE QUIET.
  1. You think I’m wearing a maternity top? CLOSE YOUR PIE HOLE.
  1. You really want to compliment me on how amazing I look pregnant? SILENCIO.

Commenting on anyone’s body appearance—good or bad—is a terrible idea. Period.


 

Anybody else have this problem? What would you do in this situation?